I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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