Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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