Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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