dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize