1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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