life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
