I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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