I think I won the penis lottery.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
