some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize