My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Swine flu is the new snow day.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
