He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
