Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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