I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize