I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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