why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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