I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
