So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
whose ass print is on the piano?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize