i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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