Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
