I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
