I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
