Swine flu is the new snow day.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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