My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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