If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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