NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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