Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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