upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
