We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
