Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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