i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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