had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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