You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize