Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize