He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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