alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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