I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
