I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
