yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
