He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
