I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
