I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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