So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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