I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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