walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
