Heybabeimwearingurpanties
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
