Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize