We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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