I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
