Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
