Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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