apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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