ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
