You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
