What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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