She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's rum buckets o'clock
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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