Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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