I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I had to cum in my sink.
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