I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
