I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
