i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
