We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
false alarm, still single
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
