She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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