i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
