i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
