Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
