But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize