And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
