Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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